Dabbling in Buddhism

Been some time since I read something spiritual. Maybe it was a thirst for something to touch my soul. Or maybe it was a craving for a distraction from the all-consuming dream-chasing pace that I was trying to keep up. (Or maybe I just felt I need answers.) But anyhow, I decided to abandon the book (of the you-know-what genre of "how to become a leader!") and proceeded to soak myself in this book - "How to see yourself as you really are" - by the Dalai Lama.

And I almost drowned myself. Hahaha. It was a great book - I think I came to a better understanding of the key thoughts behind Buddhism after finishing it. Still far from nirvana though. And there are all these frustrating koans and entangling quotes that don't make much sense to my unenlightened brain.

If I may expound the little new-found understanding, it would go something like this. Nothing inherently and independently exists, as everything owes its (or their?) existence to the existence(s) of other things. In the same way, I don't exist (at least not in the inherently and independently way I'm familiar with) except in dependence on everything else, much like the mirage exists as a result of the sun and the patch of water. The essence that awashes everything and imbues light so that I (and everything else around me) can have a semblence of existence is my mind. This is quite mind-boggling, and prolly quite all the more so because my understanding might be flawed! But methinks that this is the gel that holds contradictory statements such as "The mind is the Budhha. The Buddha is not the mind" together. (I might hv made that up.)

It's frustrating though, the gel seems to run through my hands like water whenever I try to grasp it. And I'm left with a senseless sentence construct.

There's a simple thought experiment. Simple to construct but absolutely irritating to solve. It is to find where and what is the "I" that exists. One can hardly find it. It just keeps slipping by you, running in circles. "I" is clearly not my body, since I can systematically remove everything except my mind and I can still pretty much identify myself. If "I" is my mind, then statements like "I have a sound mind" and "I have a brain" would make little sense. (Cos "I" would have to exist independently of my mind, much like me and my car when I say "I have a car".) The only way out is to conclude that "I" exist in dependence upon everything else - my brain and body included - like a mirage does.

Strangely, it makes me feel happier that I'm confused. (Maybe that's how it's really supposed to work. Haha.) This lends another meaning to being blissfully ignorant. Maybe periodical spiritual ponderings where one questions one's existence does help one to feel alive. This is one area in my life that I'm glad to leave in an amorphous and confused state. Until the next time I take a dive again.